Valentine's Day

A critical inner voice is what I heard this morning, upon
getting up and realizing it was Valentine's Day, that assured me
that everyone else is in happy relationships and there is no hope for me.

Since I was getting or giving any damn valentines, I decided to treat myself to lunch at a restaurant, instead of walking down to Subway like I usually do.

It was my luck that the restuarant was offering free lunches to anyone with 50-year marriage anniversaries or more. The line of elderly couples was out the door. Upon finally sitting down I then got to listen to announcements every few minutes about the couples that had come in: "Ethyl and Harry are here, celebrating their 59th anniversary, and also welcome Agnes and Garwood, who have been married 63 years, give them both a big hand."

I could forget myself enough to be happy for them, because I think long marriages are a great thing. Still I wondered how many others were also unlucky in love and alone, where this is not the best of days.

How unlucky can one be? I had a friend who confided in me the time he found out his relationship was in trouble. He said he had raced outside to catch his bus only to see it just leaving as he turned the corner. He went back in the house to find his wife walking out the door to drive to work. He told her he missed his bus and asked if she would give him a ride to the transfer stop a couple of miles away. She said no.

Well I figured there must be an explanation, and asked why she couldn't. He didnt know. She didn't bother to explain why. He said he was hoping they would get through those tough times, but knew down deep right then the relationship was a goner, even though the rest had yet to be played out. He said he waited a half an hour for the next bus and a year and a half for the divorce.

That sucks. It seems to me a lot of relationships fail because one partner decides their life is not enough, and then concludes it would be better if they could just be free, then they would be happy. They probably are, for a while. But happiness is not a horse that is easily harnessed - a person inclined to look for it in something new, outside of themselves, may again be disappointed, and perhaps there is justice in that.

Still its hard to be very happy on Valentines Day when you are alone. Knowing that misery is less when it is shared, or at least is more satisfying, I decided to go to Google to see how many others were as disillusioned as I was. There were plenty. Here are my favorites:

A Chick's Rant from Mar 8:

Valentine's Day sucks for women, too. Just because there's
chocolate doesn't mean it still doesn't suck.
Lots of us don't have dates and have to buy our own f***ing chocolate anyhow.
And then we just get fatter than we already are. So it just sucks. Thanks for listening.

Rogue Wrote on Feb 2:
Well here I am again...It's early in the month, but I can see it coming as sure as I can see a storm coming from the east.
I can see the sky getting darker. The wind picking up, and rumblings of thunder in the distance.
Once more I'm alone. I really do hate this month. It's like pouring salt into an open wound. All the bitching in the world wouldn't help. So let just cut to the chase and hope anyone out there will follow me and say,
"Valentines day sucks!!!"

from http://nonpc.org/luv.html

In that spirit I decided to create my personal list of the advantages of being single"

1. Nobody tells you when you should leave the bar.
2. You can dance with anyone.
3. You can stay up late and take naps any time you want.
4. You can spoil your dogs, feeding them fish and green beans for dinner.
(warmed).
The next three are related, having to do outdoor activities that are so big in my life:
5. You can get out of town to go backpacking in the most breathtaking scenery on this planet (Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana), without leaving anyone behind and feeling guilty around it. (This is huge for me).
6. You can enjoy behavior that is considered extreme by conventional standards, like leaving your car in the garage and riding your bicycle in January and February, or backpacking in December, when you spend the evening listening to music next to a campfire, and using a star chart to figure out all the constellations.
7. You can reap the benefits from 5. and 6, which is top physical and mental condition, resulting in a zest for living and an appetite for adventure, right up into your seventies, God willing.

A single person's time is their own, which invokes an exhilarating sense of freedom for those that are not frightened by it. You never give up a part of yourself for the sake of the relationship. You have time to figure out exactly who you are.

Not being in a relationship does not mean that a person doesn't believe in romance, however. The definition of romance is ' to have a love affair with.' Love is an awful large thing, and there is a whole lot in this world that one can be in love with. My December camping trip, hearing the breeze drifting down the mountain from a half mile away, finally animating the pines around camp, and touching my cheek, is one example. What is wrong with being in love with those mornings up at timberline, when the sky is so clear and the sun bright and air so still that you feel compelled to check your pulse to be sure that you somehow haven't woken up in heaven?

But whether Valentines day is a downer or not, I can't deny that I am also in love with the look in those women's eyes that I dance with, and the feel of their right hand in mine, their left hand on my shoulder, as we spin around the dance floor. There is something so very positive about those few minutes of music and the sharing of passion and happiness that dancing promotes. There is mystery and beauty in it, and as much romance as anything I know.

I have one more thing to say about Valentine's Day, from a conversation I once had, not long after my marriage ended, with a pretty lady on a Saturday Night. Sarah was from North Carolina, on vacation. She had clear, beautiful, eyes, soft pale skin, a goodness about her. We talked about my long marriage, and the grief from it ending while still being in love. I told her about my mountain treks, but also the need to be around people sometimes, and how I am trying to learn to dance with new partners. She listened and talked about relationships, and her family, and missing her mother. When she was leaving she was compelled to give me some advice:

"Don't rush into relationships - be picky, because you are a good person."

Was that a nice thing to say or what? Maybe I am too picky, and will continue to be alone. I am ok with that, because I have discovered that real strength of character comes with solitude, that in truth we are all essentially alone, and when we face the greatest mysteries of life, we will do so alone.

But can one really predict what the rest of their life will be like? Perhaps there will be a relationship in my future someday, with someone like her.

Or maybe not. Whatever. Happy AntiValentines Day, 2005.